originally written 18th September 2011:
Now I find myself wanting to be alone for just a moment. Some time of no interruptions. A moment to reflect, to write; to be me, to be free.
… inspired to spread my wings and continue to allow my heart to soften; allow my soul to glow. I am understanding and embracing love and life each day.
The image of me stands by a cliff overlooking the beautiful ocean, green grass between my toes, cool breeze playing softly with my hair that flows freely. The sky is a vibrant pastel blue; it’s peace undisturbed by the bits of white clouds that form to entice the imagination with uncertain images of maybe [figures]. I stand in the most natural state I prefer to be; feeling angel like, spreading my wings. With my eyes closed I outstretch my arms, feeling God’s embrace. His touch is the warm coat of that cool breeze. I feel ready to fly as I trust my life unto the Lord.
It’s the very essence of my world at the moment. I’m caught speechless and motionless; caught in the aura of gratitude; overwhelmed by his unconditional love. The change set before me is so clear I find trouble stepping my first step towards this new direction. Can it be this easy, starting a new life of tender love and care? Life restructured with open lines of communication, deep quality relationships,time spent prospering positively? I’m beginning understand that the answer has always been: yes.
Home once felt like prison. Curious about what really happened beyond the yard of the house I reside: of the events between my front door and the coverage of the TV. After negatively fueled verbal warfare against my mother, I got to live the wanted life of social norms. This period in my life instigated self discoveries and helped understand truths. Now wiser, I leave that life, and I find myself at home by choice; no longer imprisoned but loved within these walls.
Now, my curiosities turn and lead me to explore my inner self: the topics of the unseen, only felt. It use to be daunting because there was just so much pain to sort out. The feelings of loneliness; rejection; failure; wanting and seeking pleasure and affirmation; penetrated deep roots of darkness in my heart, my soul, my dreams. Years of Hiding. Years of perseverance. Years of wanting to be free. Years of struggling. Years of hurting. Years of healing. I am glad to have opened up to those who love and care deeply. Their encouragement to pray, smile and think positively, as well as to seek help professionally,has allowed me to live. Life without happiness isn’t living at all. So finally, I am living … again.
My Heart, My Soul, My Dreams … to share thoughts; to enhance skills; to inspire others to believe.