Monthly Archives: October 2011

Venting in my Sleeping Bag

I do try to be normal but tonight … screw it! So i find myself typing in my empty living room, in my sleeping bag and pajamas, eating sour worms with a goal of finishing my homework tonight – most likely – not going to happen.

Sometimes I wonder why I feel like crap. Then I just step back and look at what I’m doing right now and go “oh, wait… this might explain it.” (Sour worms are divine though so pigging out is definitely worth it already!) (Warning now – I’m going to concentrate on the negatives of life – venting session begins … NOW!)

The number one thing that annoys me right now – my room!!! it’s atrocious. I walk in there and all I can say is “wtf.” I’m the type of person that will admit to my wrongs and garbage but I don’t even know if its my fault that my room feels like a dumping ground. The worst part of it is my wardrobe. I usually associate the state of my mind by the state of my wardrobe. Right now, it’s very disorganised. Im not going  pointing fingers but I do let people do whatever they want to my room which later on screws me over. I actually hate my mum cleaning my room. I believe that if I mess it up, I clean it up. It’s the only way I am going to learn from my mistakes. I hate being spoon fed too. So this week, the conclusion I came with was to move out for three months for breathing space. I feel like I don’t own my life being at home. I always cage myself to trying to fit the norms of my family’s values. Love them to bits but this settled life isn’t for me… not yet anyway. I want to do simple things like cook, decorate, write and lie down on the floor without getting nagged to get up. I want to set up my punching bag already, join all sorts of sports and recreational activities without feeling guilty. I don’t understand why I feel guilty. It’s my life and I come alive when I am active. I hate sitting around. I hate being at home all the time. I want the liberty of driving my own car anytime I want.

The simple answer is – why don’t I just do  it! A big part of me is scared to be outcast by these people. Why? Out of habit. After trying to impress certain people for so many years and then going “screw this” … taking that ultimate step and doing all I want to do becomes a step into a whole new world. I’m excited … but the old feelings of disappointing the family comes creeping back and turns me off my moving forward track. So basically – I just need a good kick in the backside then a massive push forward and stop being so scared!

I know I’ve put on weight when baggy pants are skin tight on my tighs and butt, my big Bulls t-shirt is fitted and the double chin is unpacking its bag preparing for a long term stay … and moving from devouring a bag of sour worm lollies to a pack of chocolate freckles – way to go! I swear the saying is “let the little girl inside you free” … I keep forgetting I was fat when I was little LOL … at least I was a nerd then, too. Hopefully I can finish these auditing questions – why did I choose auditing this semester ??!?!

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Not in a rush … not today, not even tomorrow

Let’s not rush these moments no more. I’m tired of always trying to fit everything into one set of 24 hours. I see no point of trying to meet others expectations when they don’t even understand where I am coming from or where I am heading. So I say, I am no longer rushing … for there is a time and place for everything.

What I was struggling with, and still am to a smaller degree, is letting go of other’s dreams and following my own. Standing on my own two feet, living independently has always been my dream. I’ve always wanted to be accepted but to be part of what?! It had never made sense. Now, I let go of that thought.

Being financially, mentally, emotionally and physically ‘broke’ helped separate myself from such a stressful life. That period in my life helped me realise the sweeter things in life – like having quality relationships with my family and friends, giving my true opinions and genuinely caring for everyone I meet. Why hold back because you’re afraid to get hurt? It’s an all or nothing world – so just shine with every opportunity that is presented unto you. I know it’s easier said then done – but it feels so good when you do! 😀  Keep It Simple but Special 🙂

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“What’s on your Mind?

Keeping my life balanced is a challenge considering how much of an extremist I can be. When I’m happy, I’m hyperactive. When I’m sad, I’m on the verge of tears – okay not verge – I am in tears. Passionate yet heartless from time to time – either out of shyness or being proud. But that’s just me. I’m not one for a little bit of everything. It’s all or nothing. It’s a good and bad thing but that’s just the way I like it.

What I’ve enjoyed from this stress leave of a day today, is this moment of nothingness. I have homework to do, I want to visit my dearest girlfriend for an overdue b*tch session but instead I worthily watched one of my favourite Filipino gay comedian’s Vice Ganda – s/he cracks me up! – and a topless Derek Ramsay ! sexy man!

What I didn’t expect to do today was babysit my handful of a niece – that one hour and a half felt like half a day. She decided to poo in her nappy when the woman valuing our house knocked at the door. I hope the smell didn’t affect the value of the house 😛

My dear niece did inspire me to write a little piece the other day that I hadn’t had a chance to post (I think I’m a poet at the moment so – poems galore! at random, for the time being):

My weekday mornings run on routine. Every second day I wash my hair. Every other day I get my man on and wash in minutes. I’ll then slap on the essentials, make sure I look fly. The next challenge is getting onto the train platform without tripping over and ultimately, getting on the train – not waving it goodbye.  Anyway, This morning’s rush was splashed with an explosion of happy greetings and exaggerated baby scatting with my niece while she feasted over breakfast and I threw what looked like lunch in my bag. An excited scream and wave hello always follows with an instant game of peekaboo – she loves it. Watching her grow with curiosity and mischief brings me back to my moments of exploring the good, grey and … adventurous sides of life 😉 As I watch her, I wonder … whats going on in your mind (okay, and growing up to Rugrats play a significant role in this thought):

what’s going on in that mind of your’s?
what are you talking about when your scatting your words?
What script are you playing when your tossing around those toys?
What are you really thinking when your waving goodbye and pointing to the door?

What do you feel when you no longer return to that place where you had fallen to the floor?
How is it you feel the bounce to only a personal selection of songs playing from our docks and phones?
What’s behind your smile?
Your joyful ways? …
Cant wait to bring to life the dreams and ideas being built inside from day to day …

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a night of wonders

It felt good learning hip hop choreography tonight. I know it was only a beginners class but the way I feel when I get to dance; I feel like I’ve come alive. I love it.

I also have an obsession with the full moon. Tonight is no exception – it was beautiful – hence the pics!
Tonight felt as though God was serenading me with such peace, such beauty that truly touches my soul.

Captivated and caught in awe of such a spectacular view, I sat  and wrote this little piece. I was going to elaborate on it but since I’m no longer in that very raw moment, I shall leave it at this … until my next date with HIM 🙂

I’m not sure if that moon is at its fullest
I really dont care because to me its perfect
I love the way it shines and lights the waters of the sea
the way it compliments the night sky amongst the clouds
that border but not cover it.
I find myself at peace
where the waters of my mind, body and soul have been calmed in rhythm with its peace
caught in awe, i sit, and take in the details that make this night beautiful and real such as the slight breeze of the spring night, the lively quietness of people passing by and the language ferries and boats use to speak.

And here, where I sit, there is:

Just enough light to be safe
Just enough light to not take away the night
Just enough light to see whats real
Just enough light to capture what God sent and of what man built.

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