I do try to be normal but tonight … screw it! So i find myself typing in my empty living room, in my sleeping bag and pajamas, eating sour worms with a goal of finishing my homework tonight – most likely – not going to happen.
Sometimes I wonder why I feel like crap. Then I just step back and look at what I’m doing right now and go “oh, wait… this might explain it.” (Sour worms are divine though so pigging out is definitely worth it already!) (Warning now – I’m going to concentrate on the negatives of life – venting session begins … NOW!)
The number one thing that annoys me right now – my room!!! it’s atrocious. I walk in there and all I can say is “wtf.” I’m the type of person that will admit to my wrongs and garbage but I don’t even know if its my fault that my room feels like a dumping ground. The worst part of it is my wardrobe. I usually associate the state of my mind by the state of my wardrobe. Right now, it’s very disorganised. Im not going pointing fingers but I do let people do whatever they want to my room which later on screws me over. I actually hate my mum cleaning my room. I believe that if I mess it up, I clean it up. It’s the only way I am going to learn from my mistakes. I hate being spoon fed too. So this week, the conclusion I came with was to move out for three months for breathing space. I feel like I don’t own my life being at home. I always cage myself to trying to fit the norms of my family’s values. Love them to bits but this settled life isn’t for me… not yet anyway. I want to do simple things like cook, decorate, write and lie down on the floor without getting nagged to get up. I want to set up my punching bag already, join all sorts of sports and recreational activities without feeling guilty. I don’t understand why I feel guilty. It’s my life and I come alive when I am active. I hate sitting around. I hate being at home all the time. I want the liberty of driving my own car anytime I want.
The simple answer is – why don’t I just do it! A big part of me is scared to be outcast by these people. Why? Out of habit. After trying to impress certain people for so many years and then going “screw this” … taking that ultimate step and doing all I want to do becomes a step into a whole new world. I’m excited … but the old feelings of disappointing the family comes creeping back and turns me off my moving forward track. So basically – I just need a good kick in the backside then a massive push forward and stop being so scared!
I know I’ve put on weight when baggy pants are skin tight on my tighs and butt, my big Bulls t-shirt is fitted and the double chin is unpacking its bag preparing for a long term stay … and moving from devouring a bag of sour worm lollies to a pack of chocolate freckles – way to go! I swear the saying is “let the little girl inside you free” … I keep forgetting I was fat when I was little LOL … at least I was a nerd then, too. Hopefully I can finish these auditing questions – why did I choose auditing this semester ??!?!