Making ends meet on the very little I have at the moment is proving to be very challenging. I knew it wouldn’t be easy when I decided to study full-time this semester but when you’ve got to pay for a set of bills in one hit – you simply go “oh, Shi…”
Oddly, I’m actually grateful for this moment. It puts life into perspective once again. I’m so fortunate to have a family who supports me every way possible. I’m fortunate to have a strong mindset to battle such mentally demanding times. I’m fortunate to have friends who stop me from being anti-social. I’m fortunate to have better opportunities awaiting for me at the end of this short period of focus. I sympathise for those who are in the same situation but not as fortunate as I feel.
I remember my ex-workmate struggled to make ends meet when she separated from her partner. She was a single mother of two teenage children. She struggled to pay bills and her daughter pushed her boundaries as typical teenage girls do with their mothers – I remember those days of hell (I’m so sorry Ma). I struggle enough as it is looking after my little niece while studying. She’s a handful. She wants to touch everything. She wants to dance, draw, run around, play, watch Elmo every time she catches me on the laptop which is all the time. I loved my team because for every struggle and question about life, we supported each other one way or another. Still, my hat goes off to all mothers out there, working and raising their little babies on their own. You are amazing.
Making ends meet and keeping yourself sane in these situations drains the spirit, mind and body to extremes. I found that love keeps your energy charged. It alights passion to keep striving and living. For the sake of the children, you keep going. The most important lesson I’ve learnt – it’s always better living with others than living alone.
Coming from a state of depression, I used to think and feel that this world was a lonely place. No one understood me. No one cared for me. No one loved me. This sat deep into my heart to the point that I didn’t love and respect me. I can only imagine how people struggle to work, raise a family and be depressed while making financial ends meet – like a taste of hell.
How do we reach out and make a difference? How do we help when help is not asked for? How do we help when it is asked of us?
It’s never an obvious answer. Habits of making excuses always make it more difficult. Fear of rejection, being wrong and unwanted can also hold us back, make us frustrated to the point of walking away sometimes.
It’s not easy. I can say that I haven’t fully recovered from my state of depression. I think I will always have these negative tendencies. I still prefer to be alone when it comes to inner self discoveries. But slowly, I’m growing out this. I’m becoming more accepting of people being a part of my life. I have my friends to thank for keeping me alive. For taking me out and making sure I enjoy life. For encouraging me to seek help. For convincing me to reach out to my family. Now I enjoy the relationships with my family. I love spending time with them and sharing with them my troubles. It takes effort. It takes time. It needs support.
Right now, I’m searching for a way to inspire people to think and live positively. I don’t want to sound cocky about it because I’ve been there, done that.
I was about to give up on this pursuit to help (for now) but when my good friend Ann posted
I was inspired to keep going.
I’ll keep you posted 🙂