Monthly Archives: May 2012

A little Messed Up

I’m not sure why I fee l the need to explain myself to the world when all that really matters is the relationship I have with God. What I am most fearful of, that I would be outcast by family and friends. Could a person change so much they become a stranger or the bringer of discomfort to those around? The power of loneliness is threatening. It creates fear far beyond the imagination. I try but these feelings I cannot shrug .. until, most probably, I stop denying my new intentions and live it free flowing:

The vulnerable side of me is opening up to the possibility of loving God with all my heart. Since I have said yes to him, my thoughts, my actions, my ego, my pride, my defenses, my logic – they no longer work in unison to the beats of life that rhythms my days steps, my nights lullabies. No. I feel like I have signed up to a new class at such a challenging time in my life. I am more than eager to finish this degree so I can completely submit my mind, my time, my soul to this transformation. It is the number one drive that completes the readings, hands in the assignments, that participates in tutorial activities. The one that strives to keep afloat for a few more weeks. 90% of me is lost. Wondering in a million directions because being free is so confusing. Being in love clouds my abilities to be selfish. I now live for him. and I am trying to please him by being the best I can be. Where do I stop my old life completely. Where do I pick up the new life and complete this transition. Lord, I am confused. and I find more each day, that I need you to hold me, console me, make me feel better. Tell me I am on the right path and walking forward for you, to you. Stop me from judging me so critically. I don’t know what I am doing. Help me to understand. I love you… I love you.

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Too drunk to Remember

I think I will be too drunk to remember what I did when I decided to finish the bottle I cracked open and just left in the fridge. I thought it would just change me into something that you’d enjoy being around but instead here I am alone, laying on my bedroom floor. Looking at your picture wondering if I be something more.

Something in me decided to roll over onto my knees and pray. I didn’t like nor want this no-life atmosphere ruin another life, so I cried hoping God listen to me one more time. Although I can’t take back the bruises I caused when I threw those words like a spear hunting the whore. I fell into his arms and in his spirit I chose to let go. And even though the rest of the transformation was a blur. The night turned to day, and although my head is in pain. I believe a new life has been granted to me this day. So let’s live it. and make him proud.

I may have been too drunk to remember the finer details of life. But here I am. Not ready to give up.

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What I Envy Most From You

Give me your freedom
it’s what I envy most from you
I don’t care for your material possessions
considering there is no space where I sit wrapped with endless blanks
Always jumping cliff sides when time is chasing me quick
risking life for deadlines
I just want an end to my torture pains
chasing a dream
beyond these blurry impossibles
trying not to retreat to non-realities
I just want this over quick

 

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Give me something Deep

Give me something deep
none of this surface scratching sympathies
sitting in my room
staring at nothing but the wall
brick built solid so nothing can penetrate
no view of happiness from the hole they call a window
how could I compete
when my package is empty and incomplete
struggling always to make up my mind
laziness is the cause of all my defeats
so when I say no
just accept it
I already know my fate
another failure on the rise
give me something deep
like love over lust so I can realise
there is hope in this world
success can conquer the many petty failures
help me advance from this troubled mind
pull me up so i can pull through
blank paper now pen full of ink
mastermind by heart
a failure on paper
help… I’m calling out to you.

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