I’m not sure why I fee l the need to explain myself to the world when all that really matters is the relationship I have with God. What I am most fearful of, that I would be outcast by family and friends. Could a person change so much they become a stranger or the bringer of discomfort to those around? The power of loneliness is threatening. It creates fear far beyond the imagination. I try but these feelings I cannot shrug .. until, most probably, I stop denying my new intentions and live it free flowing:
The vulnerable side of me is opening up to the possibility of loving God with all my heart. Since I have said yes to him, my thoughts, my actions, my ego, my pride, my defenses, my logic – they no longer work in unison to the beats of life that rhythms my days steps, my nights lullabies. No. I feel like I have signed up to a new class at such a challenging time in my life. I am more than eager to finish this degree so I can completely submit my mind, my time, my soul to this transformation. It is the number one drive that completes the readings, hands in the assignments, that participates in tutorial activities. The one that strives to keep afloat for a few more weeks. 90% of me is lost. Wondering in a million directions because being free is so confusing. Being in love clouds my abilities to be selfish. I now live for him. and I am trying to please him by being the best I can be. Where do I stop my old life completely. Where do I pick up the new life and complete this transition. Lord, I am confused. and I find more each day, that I need you to hold me, console me, make me feel better. Tell me I am on the right path and walking forward for you, to you. Stop me from judging me so critically. I don’t know what I am doing. Help me to understand. I love you… I love you.