Monthly Archives: August 2012

Love Happened (At Opposite Ends)

I’ve grown to love myself after so long of not loving myself at all. I pray to God to humble me, so I do not love myself any more than the people I care about, the people I meet, the people who stay for a lifetime or bump into for a moment to speak.

I still have so many insecurities. I still fight the shyness inside. I still have negative thoughts that could very well consume me if I didn’t pray to the Lord to keep me by His side.

I look at myself in the mirror. I can name all the imperfections I carry in life. My chicken legs, my gappy teeth, my one cheek smile, bend at the nose and eyes that naturally struggle to see clear; uneven breasts, stretch marks where fatter thighs and buttocks used to be. I’m slow at picking things up, but I will remember if we go through it slow. I realise now that it’s all just perception. There’s no need to see through negative eyes. Burn those scorecards, no more judging, let’s come and play, no need to hide.
This is my armour. It holds me strong. These parts give me the strength to conquer, repair quickly whenever I hurt and fail. I can flaunt to get attention. I can cover up and sneak away. I can relate with many people with what we have and don’t have without the need to be envying with hate.

I grew up with just enough material, making ends meet without the pretty bow ties. I’ve been through the splurge of buying more when the money came in but now I see that the wants are nice but how far do we go beyond our needs to self express and come alive?
I ponder and think about my life and what to do next. I feel I am at extreme ends; I want to explore the arts of life but half the time I’m tied to an office desk, chasing money for another instead …

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This used to be easy.

I’m a little rusty.

We’ll try it anyway.

Play some music.

Step in closer.

Just enough to feel you breathe slowly, stop.

Lean on me.

Hold my hands.

Sway me to the rhythm, you have full control.

Pull me in.

Wrap me close.

Stroke me with your hand.

Do what you want with my clothes.

You can kiss me anywhere with seduction.

Just place the first one on my lips.

Love me as your only woman.

I’ll give it all to you as my only man.

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This wasn’t meant to be a secret but …

Every time I sit here and stare at you, ready to admit every thought and feeling I have inside, all words disappear – every thought clears, emotions numb – leaving me here, with nothing but my eyes staring and my body, it doesn’t know what to speak, yet, doesn’t want to seem like I have a secret to hide.

You still exist in me. Whether it is all make believe, or this dream holds some truth, I think of you.

I can start a new job, join a new gym, go out to play, or enjoy some time away, I still look for you.

I sit dates with men, next to them at a cinema,  in front of dinner, on dance floors, at bars but nothing appeals.

I stand under the shower and take in the warm flow coming over me; softly touching my mouth, my neck, across my breasts, down my back, past my hips; like when I laughed and smiled when you used to speak, which cleared my mind, eased my heartbeat, I remember you.

When I think of happy, a moment of calm, a moment of fun, life turning out right, I pick you.

As I get back to doing the things I love, in my plans, I have you.

How to get you back by my side and when, time will tell; living with what if, just won’t do.

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I’d Appreciate It

I promised that I would try to bring some positive vibes onto this screenshot of words to dignify this world that I find myself seeing; that I find myself weeping.

It was so senseless to drown in such extreme desperation seeking approval; convincing you that I didn’t lie in masks to shield your eyes from my pain.
I didn’t think it would suppress my dreams when I decided to stop speaking and instead echo the words that you say.
The shadows were cold. Actions were meek. Feeling empty and understated. Feeling useless. Unused.

A pen in my hand. Paper by the bench. I sign life as I see it, flamboyant and deep minded; destroyed and resurrected.
Why I once believed in unauthentic behaviours will remain a mystery; who twisted my focus to strive to achieve such artificial grades?
I feel guilty for preaching the wrong messages, campaigned for trash, cultivated my future to reap of proud successes not made to last.
Cover me with labels so my real name cannot be seen. Wrap me and bag these, let my money do it’s thing.

I’d appreciate it, if you could
give a buck to this man
He’s not begging but I see him struggling to feed his family, keep his land
I’d appreciate it, if you could
shine some light into her day
the pain of man providing empty love drained beauty out of this woman’s heart
I’d appreciate it, if you could
show the world the skills and talents you keep quiet
may it be one stick to feed hope’s fire, or foundation where a house can stand strong
music to ignite joys, dancing to awaken smiles
I’d appreciate it, if you could
turn around and help those being left behind

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