This wasn’t meant to be a secret but …

Every time I sit here and stare at you, ready to admit every thought and feeling I have inside, all words disappear – every thought clears, emotions numb – leaving me here, with nothing but my eyes staring and my body, it doesn’t know what to speak, yet, doesn’t want to seem like I have a secret to hide.

You still exist in me. Whether it is all make believe, or this dream holds some truth, I think of you.

I can start a new job, join a new gym, go out to play, or enjoy some time away, I still look for you.

I sit dates with men, next to them at a cinema,  in front of dinner, on dance floors, at bars but nothing appeals.

I stand under the shower and take in the warm flow coming over me; softly touching my mouth, my neck, across my breasts, down my back, past my hips; like when I laughed and smiled when you used to speak, which cleared my mind, eased my heartbeat, I remember you.

When I think of happy, a moment of calm, a moment of fun, life turning out right, I pick you.

As I get back to doing the things I love, in my plans, I have you.

How to get you back by my side and when, time will tell; living with what if, just won’t do.

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