I’ve grown to love myself after so long of not loving myself at all. I pray to God to humble me, so I do not love myself any more than the people I care about, the people I meet, the people who stay for a lifetime or bump into for a moment to speak.
I still have so many insecurities. I still fight the shyness inside. I still have negative thoughts that could very well consume me if I didn’t pray to the Lord to keep me by His side.
I look at myself in the mirror. I can name all the imperfections I carry in life. My chicken legs, my gappy teeth, my one cheek smile, bend at the nose and eyes that naturally struggle to see clear; uneven breasts, stretch marks where fatter thighs and buttocks used to be. I’m slow at picking things up, but I will remember if we go through it slow. I realise now that it’s all just perception. There’s no need to see through negative eyes. Burn those scorecards, no more judging, let’s come and play, no need to hide.
This is my armour. It holds me strong. These parts give me the strength to conquer, repair quickly whenever I hurt and fail. I can flaunt to get attention. I can cover up and sneak away. I can relate with many people with what we have and don’t have without the need to be envying with hate.
I grew up with just enough material, making ends meet without the pretty bow ties. I’ve been through the splurge of buying more when the money came in but now I see that the wants are nice but how far do we go beyond our needs to self express and come alive?
I ponder and think about my life and what to do next. I feel I am at extreme ends; I want to explore the arts of life but half the time I’m tied to an office desk, chasing money for another instead …