Category Archives: Confessions

Please Stay (Because I Love You)

Oh my love
see me care
why are you questioning my love
oh my love
why isn’t it enough
you take away my joy
when you take hold of me then let go
why are we fighting
I thought we resolved this problem before
why are you crying
oh wait they are my tears that drop to the floor

Stop this crazy madness
My life your draining once more
why are you being
such a cruel lover to me
how do you expect me to stay
scared at what could happen today
why do I stay
is love enough to keep me here with you
is my love enough to keep you here with me
please stay

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My Last Words …

When I started this blog, I was full of negative emotion. I was broken, heartbroken, financially stuck, juggling two very different lifestyles. It burnt me to the ground. I remember the countless hours writing everything and everywhere trying to release myself from the thoughts that clouded my head. Daunting helplessness lingered and crawled around inside.

But here I found God. I reunited with love. I Rediscovered me. The time I spent writing here had helped me grow mentally and spiritually. I look at my life now and I feel accomplished even though, to many, it may not seem big. My thoughts evolved into ideas, a healthy lifestyle change, a career plan and my passion for bold positive creative arts returned.

I love writing. I love many forms of art. Sadly, when I’m here I feel restricted. I try to convince myself that I’m overreacting but I feel like I am staring into the hole that I was lifted out of; reading and writing here scraps my knees onto the walls as I climb down. So I’m starting again. Fresh blog, more honest and upfront posts, passionate ideas that I can share. I will keep this blog open to share, to reflect and hopefully come back to when I’m ready. My scribble lab hasn’t shut down for good, just relocating.

I am proud of myself with doing something that pursued my dreams. It started as just a thought, then got Caught in between Thoughts …

Ready for my next project …but not my last words yet … I’m still caught between thoughts …

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Rambling | A Session with the Girl Caught in between Thoughts

(Someone asked in passing why I don’t go out as much anymore
why am I so quiet
where did that lively soul go …)

Sitting, feeling pretty, I felt like typing up something while chilling to Alicia’s new beats
like a silent singer, really just messing with the words that speak through the keys

A moment of transformation but really I needed to get out of the repetitive cycles of unrecallable nights
and now here I am
fueling that fire I once owned
new-found wisdom’s got me ready to head out once more
challenge the restrictions of time and resources to do it all
Not phased by the possible negative consequences
boundaries seen as benchmarks inspired to surpass them.
Cold, dark, depression was once a friend of mine,
left that for the light of the sun, the open fields, the mountains, beaches and the calming of the moonlight

Tell me what I will gain when I give in to the reasons of ‘no’
Tell me the achievements of “what if” or “play it safe” when I have so much passion and desire to grow?
Decided to slow it down and plan ahead
Looking at ways to develop my arts, showcase the works that flow from my heart to my head
Family, friends, love; a different light
Freed as I let empty threats go, let opportunities rise, let faith control the days and nights;
no more scorecards, no longer need to be a judge of self nor all that passes and passed by.

As raw as the drum beats of native tribes
As harmonious as the voices of choirs and 90’s girl and boy bands
A phoenix on the rise with new ways of coming alive
Laugh a roar despite the pressures of money grinding work
Smiling despite feeling lonely, working on the dream of sharing my home with that one and only
I’m grateful because I am never alone
I’m happy because through these lines
(as you share your time)
I share my thoughts …

Thank you.

———————–

(Words of the wise once shared with me:
Having thoughts starts change
Getting caught in them can be harmful
Be wise and use them as your artillery
Explore with soul – His lands, our lives, because God blesses us all)

Rambling ¦ end session.

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Love Happened (At Opposite Ends)

I’ve grown to love myself after so long of not loving myself at all. I pray to God to humble me, so I do not love myself any more than the people I care about, the people I meet, the people who stay for a lifetime or bump into for a moment to speak.

I still have so many insecurities. I still fight the shyness inside. I still have negative thoughts that could very well consume me if I didn’t pray to the Lord to keep me by His side.

I look at myself in the mirror. I can name all the imperfections I carry in life. My chicken legs, my gappy teeth, my one cheek smile, bend at the nose and eyes that naturally struggle to see clear; uneven breasts, stretch marks where fatter thighs and buttocks used to be. I’m slow at picking things up, but I will remember if we go through it slow. I realise now that it’s all just perception. There’s no need to see through negative eyes. Burn those scorecards, no more judging, let’s come and play, no need to hide.
This is my armour. It holds me strong. These parts give me the strength to conquer, repair quickly whenever I hurt and fail. I can flaunt to get attention. I can cover up and sneak away. I can relate with many people with what we have and don’t have without the need to be envying with hate.

I grew up with just enough material, making ends meet without the pretty bow ties. I’ve been through the splurge of buying more when the money came in but now I see that the wants are nice but how far do we go beyond our needs to self express and come alive?
I ponder and think about my life and what to do next. I feel I am at extreme ends; I want to explore the arts of life but half the time I’m tied to an office desk, chasing money for another instead …

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